I’ve long wanted to become a nursing professor and now I am. I always felt like I’d be a good nursing professor… until I came one. This week, I have really struggled. I’m simply going day by day, trying to put together a plan for the next day. I constantly feel like I should be able to get further ahead, but I’m not there yet.

Today, I really felt this. Like, physically. I could feel the tightness in my chest and the tension in my shoulders. Yeah, I could actually feel it.

It got to the point where I was sitting in my office at the university and wondering if I made the wrong decision in taking this job, in getting my master’s degree, or even thinking that I could do this job.

But, I had to go to class

Regardless of how I might have been feeling, I had to go to class. So I did. Part way through the class my boss, the director of the nursing program, walks in. She was there to address the students, but she hung out for like 20 minutes or more as I did my thing.

I wrapped up what I was doing and turned them over to her so she could speak to them for a few minutes. And then I didn’t think anything more of it.

She called me

Fast forward a few hours and I’m sitting on the couch in my living room, having just finished dinner. Then my phone rings.

It’s my boss.

The 10-year-old boy inside me that always thinks he’s in trouble immediately starts freaking out. I tell him to shut up and I answer the phone. She then tells me that she called to tell me how impressed she was during the time she spent in my class. She said that she really felt like I had found my niche.

I’m better than I thought, and so are you

My boss had no idea about my emotional struggles from this morning. She didn’t know that I was nearly in tears on the way to work. Like a good man, or really any person, I pushed down what I was feeling, put on a happy face, and went to work. She didn’t know any of that.

When she came to my class, she didn’t see my feelings of inadequacy, my doubts about my ability or self-worth, or my wondering if I had made the wrong decision. What she saw was a passionate, gifted teacher doing his thing. What she saw was a group of college freshmen totally engaged with a bald, grey-bearded, middle-aged nursing professor. It’s crazy how different the picture she saw was compared to the one I had painted in my head.

I guess I really am better than I thought.

And you know what… you are too… even if you don’t feel it.

The post I’m better than I thought, you are too appeared first on Restoring Nurses.

Ok, I know. Most of us don’t really care that much for Mondays. Still, just like Ebenezer Scrooge’s nephew on Christmas Eve, I wish you a happy Monday still.

For those who have been following my journey to build a healthy, happy life for myself and my family, Monday means an update on My Journey.

Recent weeks have been focused almost completely on my physical health. This makes sense for a couple of reasons. First, it is among my greatest area of need. Perhaps even my greatest. Second I was recently quite sick, ending up in the hospital for 5 days. I’m feeling much better and do want to update you all on my physical health, but wanted to go beyond that this week.

Moving forward I want to provide updates on where I’m at with all 6 Pillars of the Healthy, Happy Life. I explain all the components in a past blog post. Each week, as I provide an update, I’ll break it down by the 6 Pillars. So, let’s go.

Work/Life

If I’m completely honest, I’ve probably let this one get a bit imbalanced more towards life and perhaps not enough focus on work. With classes starting soon at my university, I’m sure this will balance out some. So, I’m ok with where I’m at with this one.

Physical Health

I’m feeling the best I have in several weeks. I wouldn’t say that my endurance is at 100% what it was before, but I’m getting close. I lost 15 pounds while I was sick. I expected to gain some of that back once I started eating regular meals. As of last week, I had gained back 1-2 pounds.

This week my doctor took me off the diuretic I was taking along with my blood pressure medicine. I expected to gain a little in water weight after that. Total, I’ve gained 5 pounds since last Monday. I’m continuing to monitor to make sure that this doesn’t continue to rise due to water retention. I’m not seeing any swelling and the weight seems to have leveled off. Not it’s time to get back into my exercise and nutrition routine.

Mental Health

For years I’ve been a journaler. However, not on a regular basis. I’d do it when going through difficult times. I believe in the benefits of journaling. So, I’m planning to get back into it on a regular basis starting this week.

Spiritual Health

Between being sick and some personal stuff, I was out of church for the better part of 2 months. Maybe even a little more. I started back last week and it’s been really good for me. I’m glad to be back around people with similar beliefs and values, worshiping and learning from the word of God.

Relational Health

Spent yesterday thrifting with my wife. It was a good day. Planning to plan DnD with my son and his wife, my daughter and her boyfriend, and maybe another friend of the kids. Overall I feel pretty solid in this area.

Financial Health

My wife and I have made great progress in the past two and half years with our finances. We budget and were keeping pretty close to that. We have slipped some in that area. Sadly, we have a leaky roof and windows. So, we are having to borrow some money to pay for these items. It’s a big hit to our efforts to become debt free, but we are more focused than ever and getting back after it.

The post My Journey Update, August 16, 2022 appeared first on Restoring Nurses.

My mind says I’m good to go.

In my mind, I’m recovered. My brain tells me that I’m good as new and can get back to life as usual. My brain lies. The reality is that, while I’m making great progress with my original issue, healing well, and feeling pretty good, I still have a long way to go.

The site of the infection and surgery seems to be doing quite well. However, I am still not fully recovered.

Singing is a workout

Yesterday I went to church. Not a big deal, but it was the first time I had been in several weeks. While singing I could feel my heart beating. So, I go to my handy dandy AppleWatch and turn on the heart rate feature. The reading was 117! All I was going was just standing in one spot singing. I mean, I know I’m overweight, but before all this, I could at least sing without my AppleWatch counting it as an exercise session.

The truth is that, while I’m feeling much better, my endurance still has a way to go to get back to where I was before all this.

Progress report

After 2 weeks of very little appetite and a hospital-controlled diet, I had lost 15 pounds by the time I got out of the hospital. This meant dropping from 332 pounds to 307. As of last Monday, that’s where I was. I figured I would probably pick up a little bit of that weight once I got back to eating more normally. Still, I didn’t want to end up back where I started. So, I’ve been fairly diligent to track my calories and have started walking in my neighborhood.

So, as of this morning, I’m at 309 pounds. This means I did pick up 2 of the pounds I lost, which I’m ok with.

Now to get back into it.

How is your journey to a healthy, happy life going?

The post My Journey Update appeared first on Restoring Nurses.

It started innocently enough

I actually remember when I first became aware that something was wrong. It was Friday, July 8th. It started pretty simply. I was just having some discomfort while sitting. That Saturday, while playing video games with my son, he noticed that something was not right. I told him I was having some pain in my rectum. The pain actually got a little better on Sunday and by Monday was minimal. It was going well, except that on Monday I developed a fever. I actually think it started Sunday night as I was absolutely freezing in my bed, but I didn’t think to check.

The fever should have been a clue

Yeah, this should have been my first sign that something significant was happening. However, the fever broke by mid-morning on Monday and I didn’t think much more of it. I went to work on Tuesday and everything seemed to be going well. By Wednesday, however, the pain had returned to a point that was concerning. I called my doctor’s office only to find out he was out of town for the rest of the week. They offered me to see one of the nurse practitioners which normally would have been great. However, considering the location of my pain and the fact that I had worked with both of these ladies in the ER, I didn’t feel comfortable seeing them for this. So, they gave me an appointment for the following Wednesday. For those doing the math, that’s just shy of 2 weeks after this all started.

I couldn’t wait any longer

By Saturday, I was so uncomfortable I simply couldn’t wait till Wednesday. I know my doctor personally, having worked with him before he went to med school. I knew he had been on Vacation, so I decided to text him on Sunday. At this point not only was my pain increasing, but I was also starting to get worried. My doctor replied and told me to come to the office on Monday. Great, that’s only 10 days after it all started. That’s better, right? He did an exam, drew labs, put me on antibiotics, and scheduled a CT.

I got really sick

By Thursday I was really sick. Ironically, I actually felt better that morning than I had in a week or more. I was able to sit at my desk and do some work. That afternoon found me on the couch, too uncomfortable even to sit up. As evening came, I really began feeling bad. I told my wife I wasn’t feeling well. We checked my heart rate and it was in the 120s, even going as high as the 130s. My wife called my mom. She’s a retired ER nurse and lives on the same street as us. When mom got there my heart rate was still in the 120s and I was not diaphoretic. She insisted that I go to the ER, and I did.

Antibiotics, surgery, and rest, oh my

A CT early Friday morning confirmed that I had a rectal abscess. I was admitted and a surgeon was consulted. I had surgery that night to drain the abscess. Over the next 3-4 days I felt better and better. By Monday, I was ready to go home, but the doctors wanted to ensure that my WBCs, which were quite high when I arrived, were continuing to go down. On Tuesday I was sent home.

I should have known better.

The pain should have been a clue that something was going on. I was able to tolerate the pain. However, when I developed a fever, this should have been the red flag that told me to seek care. By the time I finally saw my doctor it had been 10 days since I first noticed symptoms. By the time I went to the hospital it had been just shy of two weeks, and was almost exactly two weeks when I had surgery.

By that time, I was on the verge of sepsis. I was very close to a life-threatening blood infection all because I was tough enough to endure the pain, too proud and ashamed to see the nurse practitioner, and too stubborn to just go to the hospital earlier.

I couldn’t take care of those I love

One of the biggest barriers nurses give to taking care of themselves and building healthy, happy lives is the feeling that it is selfish, or that they are so busy caring for everyone else that they don’t have time to care for themselves. In the midst of all of this, my wife was taking care of me. She has been wonderful and I know that spouses caring for each other is just part of the deal. However, I was keenly aware of the fact that there was very little I could do to care for her in the midst of this.

My failure to care for myself had literally left me unable to care for those around me that I care about. Sure, this might be an extreme example as it did land me in the hospital for 5 days, and on the verge of becoming critically ill. Still, the point is valid. When we fail to care for ourselves, at some point we will not be able to care for those around us.

Ready to start building the healthy, happy life you deserve?

You can start by downloading and completing the Healthy, Happy Life Assessment below.

The post I Ended Up In the Hospital appeared first on Restoring Nurses.

Jan 1, 2022 weight: 314

Last Monday’s weight: 317

Weekly Exercise Goal: 100 minutes

So, how did this week go?

This week was interesting. My son got married on Saturday. So, that threw off the schedule for the week. It also meant a lot more food around than normal. That’s not to make any excuses. My choices are still my choices, but it is part of the story.

MOVE MONTH Goal

You may recall, that I declared June to be MOVE MONTH. I set a goal for myself of 100 minutes of moderate activity (exercise) per week. For the first week, I only did 47. I learned that I needed to have a plan. So, I went into this week with a plan for when I would exercise and what things I would do each day.

The end result was 100 minutes. I reached my goal exactly! I would certainly have loved to have beat it, but I am super excited that I reached my goal. My long-term goal is 150+ minutes every week. But, I think that we need to set goals that stretch us but are attainable. So, for now, I’ll celebrate this goal.

Weekly weigh-in

A couple of things before we look at my weight for this week. First, I know many people will say that we should not focus too much on the scale. I’d say, yes and no. On the one hand, we can certainly become too focused on the scale and find ourselves when we don’t see the progress we might hope for. On the other hand, at my weight, if I am doing what I need to do with my nutrition and exercise, then I WILL lose weight.

Another thing is that people will differ on how often we should weigh. I, personally, weigh every day and I report it once a week. For some people weighing daily can be a very discouraging thing and that’s totally cool. We each need to do what works for us. For me, if I don’t weigh every day, then I will go off plan and end up quickly gaining weight, sometimes quite a bit.

So, I weigh every day, understanding that there will be some fluctuation and that can be ok. Then I report it once a week to track the trends in my weight. That’s what works for me.

This week’s weight: 321

Yeah. That’s right. I gained 4 pounds this week. Truth is I gained it all over the weekend. Much of that is due to the wedding and all the leftover food. Not only have I been not making the best food choices, but I’ve also been eating in quantities that are so much higher than they should be.

It freaking sucks.

I’m less upset about the weight gain than I am about the fact that I allowed myself, yet again, to go so far off the rails. Well, no sense beating myself up over what is already done. Now it’s time to take a deep breath and move on to a new week, learn from this week, and see what I can do differently from here.

Next week’s Goals:

Weight: 317

Movement: 100 minutes

Celebrations and Lessons

Each week, as I share my update, I’m going to share something that I am celebrating. I think it’s important to remember that we have experienced some success. I will also share lessons I have learned and will work to apply in the coming week.

I’m celebrating having reached my move goal for last week. In spite of the weight gain, it feels good to know I reached it. I also can feel a physical difference, having been more active with exercise in recent weeks.

I’ve learned that, while a plan is important every week, it is especially important when special occasions come or things that bring us out of our routine.

Stay tuned as I continue to push through MOVE MONTH and then add additional habits to the plan as I move forward. Thanks for your support in this.

The post My Journey, June 13, 2022 appeared first on Restoring Nurses.

Naturally, it’s a second-story apartment.

Well, several weeks ago, we had moved my son’s fiancee into that apartment. Since I own a truck, that meant I got to help. Lucky me.

Anyway, this meant several trips up and down those steps carrying different pieces of furniture.

I was sucking wind

After just a trip or two up and down those stairs, I was really out of breath. The rest seemed to be fine, but here I was thinking an oxygen mask would be nice.

So, fast forward a few weeks and my truck is once again loaded with furniture for this apartment. And I am once again facing having to carry furniture up those stairs.

It was different this time.

This time it really was different. I mean I was still sweating profusely. It is Florida, after all.

The difference was, that I was not sucking wind. I was able to make 2-3 trips up and down the stairs without being so short of breath that I could barely function.

The scale doesn’t tell the entire story.

The funny thing is that I am not any lighter now than I was when we moved her in. The scale says almost the same thing, but I felt so much better.

I have been exercising on a fairly regular basis and, even though the scale doesn’t show any change yet, I feel better.

Ultimately, I know that I have a lot of weight to lose. Like a hundred pounds or more.

Still, I’m going to celebrate this win.

How are you winning?

Reply to this email and let me know how you are winning in your quest to take better care of yourself.

Even better, go join our free private Facebook Group and share with the rest of the Restoring Nurses Community.

The post I Could Walk Up the Stairs appeared first on Restoring Nurses.

Dwelling on my failures

If you’re like me you probably have a tendency to beat yourself up over past mistakes or failures. Heck, I can sometimes go back decades and spend time punishing myself for decisions I made. I know it’s stupid and pointless, but I do it anyway.

I believe that it is valuable to look at our mistakes and failures. If we ignore them, then we never learn anything. However, we need to see what we can learn from them, make plans based on those lessons, then move on.

So, what did I learn?

I learned that if I am going to be successful in achieving my MOVE MONTH goals, then I have to have a plan. I need a specific plan that says what activities I’m going to do, on what days, and at what times. This may seem like a no-brainer, but I truly thought I could just fit them in whenever. Yeah, I tell myself all kinds of lies like that.

Where am I going from here?

The goal for MOVE MONTH remains to do 100 minutes of moderate activity per week. To achieve that, I have done a calendar. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday will be kettlebell circuit workouts. Tuesday, Thursday, and maybe Saturday will be a walk in the park… like literally walking in a local part.

So, that’s the plan. I’ll see you back next week to see how well this worked to help me reach my goal for the week.

Weekly weigh in

While it’s not all about weight, one of my goals through this process is to lose weight. This is certainly partly so that I will feel better about the way I look, but even more so it’s so that I can actually be healthier. I’m all for body positivity and think that every one of us should love ourselves, regardless of how much we weigh. Still, the truth is that I am unhealthy. I have high blood pressure and even relatively simple tasks make me winded.

Each week I will weigh in and share that result with you. So, stay tuned.

Where did I start?

I started this year at 314#. While that’s not the highest I’ve ever started a year, it’s close. From there I lost some weight and gained some weight, eventually reaching the highest I have ever weighed, 322#. Let me tell you that I truly felt like crap at that weight. Not only was I very unhappy with the number, I hated the way I looked, and really felt bad.

Where am I now?

As of this morning, I’m a 317#. So, that’s 3 pounds up from the start of the year, but 5 pounds down from the peak of 322# a couple of weeks ago. I already feel better, but I have a long way to go. Stay tuned.

The post My Journey, June 6, 2022 appeared first on Restoring Nurses.

My struggle

I have struggled with my weight pretty much for my entire adult life. Actually, that’s not really true. For most of that time, I was complacent. We talk a lot about struggling with this or that when in reality we are living with that thing we claim to be struggling with while doing almost nothing about it.

You see, to STRUGGLE with something is active. Imagine you’re walking through the woods when a cougar jumps into the path in front of you. I mean like an actual cougar, not an attractive middle-aged woman. Anyway, so this dangerous, wild animal is now standing in front of you and you have to decide how you’re going to deal with it; run, struggle, or do nothing. This would also be known as fight, flight, or freeze.

Run

In the case of the cougar, run is exactly what it sounds like. You’re literally trying to outrun the cougar. When it comes to taking care of ourselves, it looks a little different. For some, we may even call it self-care. It may mean drinking instead of dealing with our mental health. It may mean making jokes about your weight instead of doing something about it. Regardless, what it is not is actually taking care of yourself.

Do nothing

Ok, I know I skipped struggle, but I’ll get back to it in a minute. Doing nothing is where most of us find ourselves when it comes to self-care. Ok, we might go for an occasional walk, eat a salad, or go on vacation and call it self-care. These things are good, but they are hardly a comprehensive plan. Maybe you talk a lot about your need for self-care. Maybe you even read blogs or books or take classes related to how to take better care of yourself. But, you’re still not really doing anything.

Thinking back to the cougar. This would amount to falling down on the ground as the cougar pounces on you. Maybe you’ll scream. Maybe you’ll flail about. But, the truth is you are not actually doing anything to try and fight off this cougar. You’ve probably decided that the cougar is stronger than you and there is nothing you can do.

Struggle

In our cougar story, this is the person that is doing everything they can to fight this cat off. They recognize the power of this large cat. They know that beating this cat is going to be a struggle. AND, they are determined not to go down without a fight.

THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS TO STRUGGLE

To truly struggle with something, means that you are doing everything you can to fight for or against that thing. I think we grossly overuse the word struggle. We often use it to describe something that we know we SHOULD be struggling with, but are not. We use it to talk about something that we WANT to struggle with but are not.

So, I’d love to say that I have struggled with my weight for most of my adult life, but the truth is that I haven’t. Sure, there have been times when I’ve struggled with it. There have been times when I’ve worked really hard and made great progress. But, over the course of the past 2-3 decades, I’ve mostly ignored it.

So, where am I now?

Well, the result of ignoring this for so many years is that I find myself morbidly obese. Lots of really nice people tell me not to say such things. I know they mean well, but lying to myself about it doesn’t make it go away. This is not an attack on my character, it just is an acceptance of reality. As of the writing of this, I weigh in at 314 pounds. At 5’10’, there’s no way to define this except as morbidly obese.

Now, that’s just one aspect of self-care. If you’ve been with me for a while, then you know that I talk about the 5 Domains of Self-Care. Thus far we have just talked about physical health. In this area, I have not done well at all. However, there’s more to it than that.

For my mental health, I have done much better. I have made decisions, changed, things, and sought help when I needed to. I got counseling when I found that anger was eating me alive. When in difficult times I love to journal. I’ve left jobs that were truly killing me on the inside. I’ve done much better with my mental health. Still, even those actions I’ve made, while good, were usually just disaster responses. It was usually a matter of me responding to something. Yes, I responded in ways that protected my mental health, but I’ve done little to maintain or improve it.

We could go through each of the 5 Domains of Self-Care and find a similar pattern. I’ve done well at times and in some areas, I actually do fairly well. However, there is very little intentionality in my self-care journey and almost no evidence of a plan or strategy.

That changes now

As much as my past shows a lack of plan or strategy, I want my future to be filled with it. As I go on this journey to learn what means to take better care of myself, I want to be strategic. As I go on this mission to bring as many nurses with me as possible, I want to be strategic. I don’t want to look back on this time in my life and say that I struggled when really I ran from my problems or did nothing.

Our lives have been designed to get us to where we are

I believe that our current lives are, in a large part, a result of the habits in our lives. Certainly, there are circumstances outside of our control, but habits still play a large part in getting us to where we are now.

Anyway, Merriam- Webster defines a habit as, “a settled tendency or usual manner of behavior“. In other words, it’s the way that you normally do things. They also define it as, “an acquired mode of behavior that has become nearly or completely involuntary.”

Most of us are living in that first definition. We live as if the way we are currently or have been doing things is “settled”. Going back to Merriam-Webster they provide several definitions for settled. Among them is, “to establish or secure permanently.” So, to put these two definitions together we think that a habit is “a tendency or usual manner of behavior that is permanently established or secured.”

Now, most of us wouldn’t actually say that, but we live our lives as if it’s true. Still, some of us actually DO say things such as,

• “This is just the way I am.”
• “It’s how my family is.”
• “This is just how I deal with things.”

In these statements is an acknowledgment that where we are is a result of our past actions, but it also includes some degree of denial of our capacity to change.

So, where do we go from here?

Well, my journey is all about changing my habits. I have tried making drastic changes in an attempt to get the results I wanted. I’ve jumped into intense exercise programs and failed. I’ve committed to extreme diet plans and failed. I’ve hired personal trainers and failed. You name it, and I’ve done it or something similar, and failed.

I’m not talking about huge changes. For the vast majority of us that simply doesn’t work. Don’t believe me, google the winners of the weight loss competition show, The Biggest Loser. My wife and I LOVED that show. We would watch every single episode. Usually with a bowl of ice cream or bag of chips, but that’s a conversation for another time.

Anyway, go look up the winners of that show. For that matter even the top contestants. Those folks jumped into an intense routine of dedicated exercise and nutrition. They lived and breathed it day and night for weeks on end. As a result, they experience some truly impressive transformations. Some years have passed since the show went off the air and many of those top contestants have gained back much of the weight they lost.

Where did they go wrong?

Well, in my mind, they jumped into something that was unsustainable. They learned a lot about nutrition and exercise, but they didn’t learn how to incorporate them into their daily lives. They left the show, returned to their normal lives, and, in many cases, returned to their old habits. They never built new routines or habits. As a result, they experienced the same results that their old habits had given them.

Habits

I’m done focusing on big changes that simply don’t work for most of us. With over 100 pounds to lose, I NEED big changes. But, I’m done trying to make those changes all at once. If our current lives are largely a result of the habits we’ve maintained up to this point, then the life we want in the future will mean new habits. Instead of drastic changes that I think will get me where I want to be, I’m looking for small changes that can become habits and continually move me toward my goals.

My questions to myself look something like this:

• What small change can I make this week that will move me towards better physical health?
• What small change can I make this week that will move me towards better mental health?
• What small change can I make this week that will improve my spiritual health?
• What small change can I make this week that will feed and improve the important relationships in my life?
• What small change can I make this week that will improve my financial health?

It’s not about large, drastic changes. Some of us may need that. Some of us may be on the verge of disaster. For those folks, a drastic change is necessary. Most of us, however, are moving toward potential disaster, but are not facing it right now. For those of us in that situation, we can afford to make small, incremental changes that move us toward our goals.

So, what small change are you going to make THIS WEEK that will begin to move you towards your goals?

The post My Journey Beings appeared first on Restoring Nurses.