Learning to take better care of my life and helping other nurses do the same.

I remember a scene from the first Tobey Maguire Spider Man Movie. Ok, before I go on, let me address the spider in the room. Yes, I understand that the recent Spider Man movies are hotly contested as to which is the best. Listen! I like them all, ok. Anyway, where was I? In the first Tobey Maguire Spider Man movie there is a scene where they are at a museum. Peter Parker and his close friend Harry are looking at one of the spiders. Peter explains, to a very disinterested Harry, that some spiders can change color to match their environment. He then says, “It’s a defense mechanism.”  Recently I was reminded of this scene while at work. As I often do, I walked through the halls, smiling and joking with my coworkers. As I returned to my office and the door closed behind me, all semblance of a smile disappeared. Despite the smiling and laughter, I wasn’t feeling it.  So, why do I do it? That’s when the scene I mentioned earlier hit. I could see the scene in my head and thought to myself, “It’s a defeat mechanism.” That’s it, I was using the smile and jokes as a defense mechanism.  But what am I defending against? As I sat alone in my office pondering this, I realized that what I was defending against was people knowing what I was truly feeling inside. But, why? Why didn’t I want people to know? Well, for starters, I didn’t think they cared. Truth is, most of them probably don’t. Not that they are uncaring, they’ve just got their own concerns and I’m just some random guy that happens to work in the same place as them. But, it wasn’t the fact that they might not care that made me want to block them out. Rather it was simply that I didn’t want them to know. I didn’t want anyone to see what was really going on inside of me. If we’re honest, I think many of us are doing the same thing. We are building walls to keep everyone out. We are afraid of what people might think if they knew what was really going on inside our heads.  Walls are good.  The walls of our homes serve to keep bad things out. Living in Florida, I have ridden out my share of hurricanes sitting inside my home. I can tell you that I was very much grateful for those walls. With our homes, the walls have openings. Windows let light in. Doors let us enter, but they also let the people we care about enter.  Oftentimes, the walls that we build around ourselves, or our hearts, have no openings. They have no windows or doors. Without windows, the walls around us can’t let in light. Without doors, we become unable to let in even the people who love us the most and whom we love. Somewhere along the way we’ve learned that to protect ourselves, we must build impenetrable walls. I would disagree. Even as we need and count on the walls of our homes to protect us, we need walls around our hearts. However, we need to work hard to ensure that these walls, much like the walls of our homes, have windows to let in light, and doors so that the people who do care have some way to get in.  Open your doors, carefully Whether you are a nurse dealing with burnout, anxiety, depression, or just struggling under the weight of life, I would encourage you to open your doors. The unfortunate truth is that some people will take your openness and honesty and use it against you. We can’t, however, use this as an excuse to block everyone out. So, I encourage you, to open your doors, but do it carefully. 

Make change is difficult. The good news is, you already have within you what it takes to make that change.